'The best thing adults can do for grieving children and young people is listen - not just with our ears, but with our eyes, our hearts, our souls. To not presume we have, or have to have, the answers. To allow for individual difference. To not rush into judgments or pat answers. Grieving a death is a process that unfolds in different ways, time frames, styles and intensities - our foremost job is to listen'. - D Schuurman.

In times of bereavement it is often difficult to know how to talk to children about what has happened. As parents, we naturally want to protect our children from the pain and sadness in these difficult times. Sometimes we can be so engulfed by our own pain, that we forget that they too are feeling things, often that are hard for a child to process or verbalise.

When talking to children about death, it is important to be factual about what has happened. If this is your child's first experience it is especially important to explain what has happened - that the body has stopped working, the heart has stopped beating, they can't feel any pain, or eat and so on. Likening death to sleep can cause confusion and create fears about going to sleep, so it is important to not liken death to sleep or use euphemisms, such as 'lost', 'passed away', 'gone to sleep' and so forth. Children have very vivid imaginations, imaginations that will strive to fill in the blanks and the unknown, with all kinds of gremlins. Be factual, honest and straightforward.

The developmental age of the child, the relationship with the deceased, individual personality and support systems available, will all play a large part in how children express their grief, as well as the duration and intensity. Grief is a very individual process and no two people will experience it in quite the same way.

Here are some guidelines on how different ages will tend to grieve. In addition to the signs and symptoms of grief outlined below, it is not unusual for children to act and play normally or to throw themselves into projects, schoolwork, sport, drama and other activities. 
It is important to remember that how we express grief is very individual - this is only a guide.

Pre-schoolers might show signs of grief in a variety of ways such as
  • Bedwetting
  • Clinging to adults
  • Thumb sucking
  • Exaggerated fears (the-bogyman-under-the-bed syndrome)
  • Temper tantrums
  • Crying at unrelated issues
  • Becoming quiet and withdrawn
Pre-schoolers may be helped by
  • Talking to them at their level in a simple and honest way about what has happened. Be silent whilst they talk about the loss. Help them to express their fears and worries. Don't dismiss or discount the way they feel.
  • Encourage them to ask questions.
  • Give affection and nurturing. Lots of hugs, kisses and cuddles.
  • Provide lots of opportunities for extra play times. Allow for expression of pain through play. Drawing can be revealing if they don't wish to talk.
  • Be patient and understanding if your child expresses grief in an indirect way, such as a temper tantrum, bedwetting or any unusual behaviour. It's easy to pounce, especially if you are in grief yourself, when they are sucking their thumb or having a tantrum - don't. It may be their way of dealing with the pain.
  • Keep simple routines going.  
Typically, the primary school age child may also express their grief in a number of direct and indirect ways, which may include
  • Becoming quiet and withdrawn
  • Learning problems at school
  • Bedwetting
  • Over eating or loss of appetite
  • Sleeping problems such as excessive sleep, not sleeping or nightmares
  • Fighting at school and outbursts of anger
  • Not wanting to share their feelings with you, if you are grieving too, in case they upset you
School children may be helped through their grief by
  • Teaching them how to express their needs, wants and feelings through words instead of acting out
  • Encouraging them to tell you when they are feeling worried or are having a difficult time
  • Providing support by listening, loving and being open and honest
  • Providing simple routines and structure. Be consistent.
  • Always being available (even when it's inconvenient) for a hug and a listening ear. Listen to what they are feeling, not what you think they are feeling.
Early adolescents may
  • Have physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, sleeping and eating disorders and mood swings
  • Harbour feelings of helplessness and hopelessness which may spiral into depression
  • Withdraw from adult contact
  • Demonstrate risk taking or self-destructive behaviours
  • Show signs of anger, aggressiveness and be involved in fighting
  • Lack attention, concentration and motivation
You may be able to help by
  • Accepting that they will have physical symptoms
  • Look for the feelings behind their words and actions
  • Show empathy and understanding
  • Be truthful, open and honest about the loss
  • Allow them to make choices that are not harmful
  • Listen without trying to 'fix it'. Allow for silences, sometimes just your physical presence is enough
  • Find positive outlets and safe ways to express their feelings, either through creative or physical activities
Above all
  • Be loving
  • Be accepting
  • Be truthful
  • Be consistent
  • Listen to them
Don't force anything - but be observant.

It may also be of benefit to allow children to play a role in the rituals that surround the death of a loved one. It is easy, when we are overwhelmed with our own pain, to forget to involve children and to unintentionally leave them out of the loop. This can create feelings of isolation and a sense of not knowing what is going on or what they are supposed to be doing - a sense of disconnection.

Encourage your children to go to the funeral. Prepare them beforehand with the facts about what will happen at the funeral, and what they are likely to see. Allowing children to do a reading at the service, place flowers on the casket or light a candle, may help to bring about a sense of comfort and a feeling of connection to the person who has died and the process of what is happening.

If the funeral has already taken place, creating a commemorative area within your garden can also be a good way of involving children to give them that sense that they can do something to make a difference. This could be as simple as planting a tree or rose bush or some other plant that might have special meaning. Placing a seat close by can make this a place of reflection.

Smaller children may like to put messages on balloons and let them float away. This can be especially touching at anniversaries and birthdays.

Above all, remember to be gentle with yourself. This is a difficult time and it is important that you take time out to nurture and look after yourself.


Grief Support
We Care
02 9489 6644


This article remains the intellectual property of Grief Support