UNACKNOWLEDGED GRIEF AND LOSS
Unacknowledged
grief is also known as disenfranchised grief or hidden sorrow (i). It is a
block to the grieving process and can arise when people acknowledge only what
they perceive or judge to be a ‘normal’ loss, such as the death of someone they
love. But lives are full of losses. Painful loss and grief may be neither
expected nor acknowledged and the distress and pain is frequently minimised,
stifled, ignored, trivialised, made light of and not validated. People tend to
conform to society’s unwritten grieving rules, the norms that specify “who,
when, where, how, how long, and for whom, people should grieve” (i). The effects
of grief can cause great anxiety and uncertainty and may isolate the person
from usual sources of support (ii). Grief studies indicate that acknowledgement
by the individual and others of the loss, the grief and the griever is
necessary to prepare the way to healthy grieving. It is how the healing journey
begins and without it “grief that is unacknowledged and loss that remains
unaccommodated into life can cause: This all contributes
to the missing of the potential of individuals and their motivation to embrace
life again after loss, and takes a heavy toll on them and others who share
their lives - families, friendships, relationships, groups, workplaces and
communities. People who
have suffered significant loss know only too well the chaos pain and isolation
of the experience of grief, and one of the most fundamental human needs in
times of loss – the need for acknowledgement. The list below - which is by no
means all-inclusive - shows some of the many instances of unacknowledged loss
and painful grief and indicates how lack of understanding, personal perception
or judgement, expectations, lack of recognition, lack of acknowledgement, the
tendency to make light of the experience, together with society’s grieving
rules can complicate, heighten, prolong or shut down the natural and necessary
processes of grief. Childhood experiences of loss may never have been recognised or validated, the grief effects
of which can continue throughout the individual’s life. Loss of something intangible, not recognised as
important - longed-for
recognition which never eventuated; failure to achieve an important goal; or
conversely, through achievement of a goal, loss of something to strive for or
live for. Loss of something hoped for or dreamed of,
frequently not recognised as painful losses - a
child that was never conceived; infertility; miscarriage, abortion because of
foetal abnormality; inability to carry a baby to full term; loss of dreams for
the future. Losses that may be judged as “being for the better
- the death of an
individual with developmental or physical disabilities, the death of a baby
with congenital abnormalities; the death of an individual with advanced Alzheimer’s
disease Hidden losses - fear
of being judged or isolated from groups or society - the end of a treasured
but unsanctioned relationship or death of a loved person from a secret or taboo
relationship. Differences in perceptions of what is important and what is worthy of grief -the meaning to the individual of what is lost may be minimised or not
recognised Some losses are judged as not significant enough as being worthy of grief - the loss or death of friends,
colleagues, a step-parent, in-laws, an ex-spouse. Death of a pet or companion
animal may be judged as “it was only an animal”. Non-finite losses - it may
be assumed that those in the situation of living a continuous experience of loss
are used to it; but for the families and carers of a developmentally
disabled or brain damaged person there is loss of hopes and ideals and normal
expectations that cannot be met. An
individual experiencing chronic persistent pain may experience the loss of
normal expectations including activities lifestyle income abilities and
interests, limitations of choice, being believed, changed relationships and the
social alienation of stigma. Ambiguous loss - the
loss is unable to be proved or validated. Missing Persons - people live for
years, sometimes for the rest of their lives, with the torment of not knowing
what has happened to a loved or an estranged member of their family. People
presumed dead but no body is found; this
is fertile ground for the cruel imagination of conspiracy theories and the
psychological torment of conflicting hopes. Those for whom society expects a positive
outcome: Choosing to
move to another country of the individuals’ own free will – the losses include
their country and history, their homeland and their origins and deep connection
with things, their families and homes and people and places they love, their
culture and the ways of society, the cherished foundations of their lives,
their language - and yet individuals and families and others question if they
have a right to grieve. Those who
have survived cancer may be expected to rejoice, almost be heroes, but may find
the grief of social alienation, changed relationships, limitations of choice,
changed identity, uncertainty, vulnerability, a feeling of being set apart
prevents “re-incorporation back into the fabric of society” (iv). Having
children - the grief for loss of
lifestyle including activities, interests, sleep, and changes within
relationships The grief
of adoptees from another country – providing a home and a chance in life away
from extreme poverty, or war, or sickness or having no living family may hinder
or block understanding of the overwhelming losses. The griever is defined as somehow not being
capable of grief or grief doesn’t affect them - Children for example, or people with mental
disabilities; or our older citizens who are somehow seen as immune from grief
because they have most likely experienced grief during their lives and “new grief
doesn’t affect them”. Those whom society doesn’t expect to grieve – front-line crisis or rescue workers,
and people who have training in this area and are seen to be immune from horror Those whom society expects to grieve - any individual may be misunderstood
or judged for grieving in his or her own way that does not include outward or
public emotional expression of grief. Social stigma and negative judgement – when an individual chooses the
circumstances of death – abortion, suicide, assisted suicide. A precious relationship may not be recognised – the parents’ and grandparents’
bond with a miscarried or stillborn baby. Absence of anywhere to express grief according to
cultural or society’s beliefs and values - this can include men who grieve. Society’s
rules still cling to the ‘expected’ male way of grieving to not show his
feelings, and his ‘expected’ role in family and society to be strong and in
control. The individual may hold on to his own expectations of identity and
sense of maleness which deny him expression of his grief pain, conflict and confusion.
Grief can be restrained or stifled by the
individual or others. The individual may stifle his or her grief - shut it away for fear of
not being understood, or disapproval, or being hurt again or being judged as
not coping or becoming further isolated. Others
stifle the individual’s grief because of their own fear, helplessness,
discomfort, lack of understanding of the needs of the individual, judgement, not
knowing what to say or do. VALIDATING
THE EXPERIENCE To be able
to grieve in a healthy way, whatever is the loss, people need acknowledgement
by themselves and others of 1. the loss 2. the
validity of their grief. 3.
themselves as legitimate grievers Here are
some ways to do this: Prepared
for Grief Support by Erica Greenop (i) Doka,
K. (ed) 1989 Disenfranchised grief:
Recognising Hidden Sorrow (ii) Grief
Support website www.griefsupport.com (iii) Grief
Support volunteer training manual compiled by Erica Greenop (iv)
Little, M., Paul, K., Jordens, C., Sayers, E-J. 2001 Surviving survival: Life After Cancer Choice Books