GRIEF
AT CHRISTMAS
“Grief
at Christmas – huh? Isn’t it a happy time?”
“Well, yes, but………….”
In
the weeks before Christmas, our newspapers and TV screens are full of
advertisements, trying to persuade us to buy this and that and Shopping Malls
are noisy with Christmas music - usually starting with ‘White Christmas’ or
“I’ll be home for Christmas’ long before most of us have decided how many cards
we need to buy!
We
see ‘jolly’ pictures of Santa Claus, pictures of happy family groups around the
table, all smiling at each other, happy children opening presents near a large
Christmas tree.
But
is this reality for everyone? And - if not, why not?
• Relationship breakdowns are a
powerful source of sadess at Christmas time: when family members gather
together, they are so strongly reminded of those who have gone, of the conflict
which probably preceded the breakdown, and there is often sadness linked with a
sense of failure
• In one-parent or divided families,
Christmas may be strained with anger over past difficulties, and there are
additional stresses if - after separation or
divorce - competition for the children’s affection expresses itself in
rivalry over which parent gives the most expensive presents.
• Anxiety over employment or actual
poverty lead to sadness at any time but specially at Christmas when – in
today’s material world – there is an expectation that gifts will be costly and impressive, and parents who are
struggling financially feel guilty that they cannot provide the special food
and gifts which are advertised in the commercial media. (Kids ask each other “What did you get for
Christmas?”. Have you ever heard them ask “What did you give this Christmas?”)
• If there has been a death in the
family, or if a family member has ‘gone wrong’, there will be sadness about
those events . We may not hear the sadness verbalised, but it is often there,
below the surface: “This time last year my husband/wife/mother/sister was here
and we had such fun – but now it’s not
the same…”
• Older people have special needs,
especially women who look back at Christmases in the past, when they made
special cakes & puddings, worked out how big the turkey would have to be
for everyone to have a share – things they can no longer do because of frailty
or because moving to a retirement village means that big groups cannot fit into
the available space. “Every time they
play that song ‘I’ll be home for Christmas’ I cry over memories of what home
used to be like – now I haven’t got a home now – just a room here……..” is the
comment of many retired people and isolated men and women.
• People with illness and/or disabilities
who would like to enjoy sharing in Christmas but may not be able to fully
participate thereby emphasising the challenges they face in life.
• Traditionally, families meet together
in a happy atmosphere – but some
relatives are quarrelsome when they meet each other, so that Christmas is a
time for jealousy, argument, even violence, and some individuals may secretly
dread the time with other relatives, for fear of what may happen.
• Christmas is close to New Year, when
we look back over the past and plan for a better future (we hope!). Because of
this, we may have hidden sorrows and unacknowledged grief – the problems, the
failures, the losses (even the loss of a much loved pet) which can be hard to
discuss with others – either because they are private concerns, or because we
feel guilt, shame or are embarrassment or because we feel it is inappropriate
to talk about them at a time when happiness is supposed to be the only
agenda.
There
is no priority about this list – different people have different needs,
different joys, different challenges; but – at this time – it is worthwhile for
each of us to think about the possibility of sadness for some.
So
what can we do about Grief around Christmas?
1. There is nothing like music for getting
through one’s defences! So, if we are playing recordings of Christmas songs and
carols, we must recognise that these may elicit difficult feelings, and avoid
expressing surprise if a particular piece of music elicits sadness .Be sure
someone is sitting with someone who has experienced loss, especially if
bereaved since last Christmas, while the music is played. Allow people to
express sadness – don’t just tell them to cheer up or ‘get over it’, (often
people do this because they don’t know how to cope with someone’s sadness).
Take a few moments to have a private conversation in which it is OK to express
sadness and regret about the losses, without feeling guilty in experiencing
feelings which seem to contradict the usual connotations of Christmas. If we
can help the person to focus on some positive thoughts – so much the better,
but allowing the grief to be expressed must come first!
2. If there have been losses during the
year or even in the past, play down the ‘isn’t this all fun!” routine as people
can and often will be ‘triggered’ by Christmas.
Of course we don’t need to avoid the reminiscence, the joy of being
together - but we need to keep in mind that, for a variety of different
reasons, Christmas is not always a time for joy, so that we are sensitive to
the needs of lonely people, both inside and outside our own family group.
3. Those who are totally alone at
Christmas may need to talk about their loneliness and the life problems which
led to this. For them, society is fortunate in having several telephone support
services which are available even on Christmas Day, so that lonely people can
find an empathic, listening ear as they disclose their sadness or anger at the
way life has gone for them.
4. And, because we have so much and others
have so little, it is healthy to remember (preferably before Christmas, so that
we can do something about it!) that there are many people, here and overseas,
for whom there is never a time for celebration – life is constantly a battle
for survival, who depend on gifts from individuals and nations in order to have
even a basic such as clean water. Fortunately there are groups of people who
provide a Christmas meal for those in need, sacrificing their own celebrations
in order to do this.
But,
despite all these ‘do-s’ and ‘do nots’, Christmas is still a happy time for
sharing joy and companionship – if we do it with empathy!
This article was written by Ruth Bright, AM, Registered Music Therapist, and remains the intellectual property of Grief Support.